Winter Blues or Winter Blows?
Does anyone remember the old days? By “old days”, I mean a time when the sky wasn’t spitting snow on a daily basis and you could go outside without the fear of your eyelids freezing shut. Granted, if you live in this area (for me specifically, Oswego) you have to expect a long winter, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it. It appears that Old Man Winter has become senile; waking up each morning at four fifteen and thinking, “Today would be a nice day to make it snow. It’s been a while. Now what channel is Matlock on?” Well, here are some sure fire ways to combat those winter blues.
Yes, it is cold outside. Bitter cold, if you will. The temperature, much like most of Hugh Heffner’s future girlfriends, won’t even reach twenty for quite a while. Try to stay warm by convincing yourself that you’re in a tropical climate. Drink warm weather drinks, like Mai Tais, Blue Hawaiians or Margaritas and watch reruns of Miami Vice. If you drink enough, you’ll think you’re in Florida solving crimes with ridiculously dressed, poorly shaven detectives. Don’t watch too many episodes in a row, though. Much like tequila, more than a couple may induce vomiting.
Now, how do we deal with the fact that we are more likely to see Bigfoot than the sun for another few months? Simulating sunshine is easier than you think. Crank your heat up to eighty, replace all of your low wattage bulbs with one hundred watt ones and wear sunglasses around the house. An alternative is to hang out with the type of people who take artificial tanning just a little too far. Nothing says summer like basking in the warm orange glow of a leathery skinned stripper or gender confused weight lifter.
The last piece of advice I can give you is to get the hell out of here! Go somewhere warm! South Carolina, Florida, Arizona, California, Bermuda… I don’t care where you go, just be sure it’s a place where you don’t have to pack anything more than a swim suit, shorts and sunglasses. Maybe a tee shirt, if you’re going somewhere prudish. If The Shining taught us anything, it’s that snow and cold makes you want to run amok with an axe, but not outside. It’s way too cold for that nonsense. Even when it’s “cold” in Florida, it’s like Spring temperatures for us in the northern New York. Nothing says “tourist” like shorts and flip flops when it’s fifty degrees.
Snow or cold is fine, but arctic temperatures and constant storming is ridiculous! My mother use to say that snow was “God’s dandruff”. At this point he really needs to try a medicated shampoo! Every time I go outside these days, my man parts end up going inside long before I ever do. Stay warm and if you go to a sunny, warm place for a midwinter vacation, take me with you!
About: Ted Snyder
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