To Be A Teenager Again…

Full length portrait of young men and women holding cellphone


imageI’m pretty sure I was born several decades too early. I would be doing so much better in life if I was a teenager now, instead of in the 80’s. I’m not saying things are easier on kids today, they’re just different and a lot of the differences between now and then would benefit me greatly.

First off, let’s talk about how “cute” is perceived in teenage boys now as opposed to then. When I was young, cute had a classical meaning: Good hair, in shape, no glasses (they were large in the 80’s), normal facial features and an overall clean and crisp appearance. Fashion was big. The trend was Hawaiian shirts, Jams (stupid, ugly shorts), sandals and lots of mousse in your hair. Now, I didn’t participate in any of these, because I live in New York and you have to be drunk and dumb to dress like that between the months of September and June. While I was drunk a good portion of the time in school, I was not dumb. Now, the definition of “cute” for teens is more like bad hair, dorky glasses, ugly clothes and an altogether dumpy appearance. That was right in my wheelhouse! I would be a stud now or at least gotten a date to the prom that wasn’t based on a dare.

Facebook and other social networks have made things different, as well. You can chat with your friends, share pictures and pick on the weak and innocent all without ever having to speak. That would be amazing! When I was a teenager, if you wanted social interaction, you had to actually talk to people. Who wants to do that?! Now, you no longer have to pass notes back and forth. You can find out which girl likes you or which girl will do anything for a cheeseburger and fries just through texting with your phone on silent, all while the teacher is attempting to explain the economic factors of the Civil War. Asking a girl out on a date back in the 80’s was very different, as well. There’s nothing worse than a girl laughing in your face when you ask her out. I think I could handle an “LOL” via text much better. Plus, every time you spoke to a jock in the 80’s, you were one voice crack away from spending third period in struggling to get out of your locker. The computer only exposes you to psychological abuse and let’s face it, you can’t text a swirly.

I’ve also noticed that every parental generation thinks that the teenagers of their day are lazy. My father thought I was lazy and I had a job before and after school. He thought I should be working around the house when I wasn’t at school or at work. I always thought he would’ve made a great sweat shop owner. I would’ve had the best knock off Nikes in town! While we were considered lazy in the 80’s, teens today have cornered the market on laziness. We all played video games, but the games today are so involved that you have to play them for a year. That’s a year of sitting and that sounds wonderful. They can even play sports with their friends via Internet connection, rather than going out in the back yard and getting all dirty and fresh aired up. We had to write, actually WRITE essays. My hand was in a permanent claw for all four years of high school from writing and certain other activities in which I would participate, after watching cheerleading practice from behind the bleachers. Not only do the kids not have to write, but when they type, they can’t even put forth the effort to type out words like, “You” or “Are” and they don’t even have the energy to put the “A” in front of “nd” to make a conjunction. I could’ve been that lazy, if I was just given the opportunity.

I’m sure it seems like I’m envious of teenagers today and maybe I am, a little. There is a lot more to learn now than there was when I was young and this whole common core thing is like trying to do math word problems that were thought up by the writer of The Matrix after a night on Bath Salts. I don’t envy that stuff. At least I feel like a teenager all of the time, anyway. That’s only because I have no money, watch too much TV and never get laid.

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About: Ted Snyder

I'm just a guy who loves the simple things in life. I play bass, love craft beer and enjoy all things horror. I spend my time walking or hiking with my dog, going out to restaurants, bars and to see local bands . I stay up late and get up early. My idea of a great time is sitting on the shore of any body of water and having a beer.

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