The Finger is NOT a Romantic Gesture!
Valentine’s Day was Saturday, so I decided to help all of you guys figure out why your significant other is angry with you this morning. I know this information would have better served you before the most evil of all Hallmark holidays, but where’s the fun in that? I’ve spent many Valentines Days being single and observing couples(no longer through binoculars, since the courts intervened) and I’ll share with you some things I’ve learned that may help you out in the future.
First of all, we all know that Valentines is the holiday where the guy buys, flowers, candy, takes his lady out to dinner and professes his love in as many tangible ways as possible and the woman buys herself a pretty dress, gets her nails and hair done, so she can look pretty for her man. As a man, once you succumb to this fact, your V Day will be much more enjoyable and there will be no wrath to suffer the next day. A good portion of the reasoning behind this is that we men are idiots when it comes to romance and the ones that aren’t have to keep it a secret or face ridicule(and rightly so) from the rest of us. No matter how many times you see his image, dressing up like that little cherub in a diaper and wielding a bow and arrow is never romantic.
I have to say that this time of year, I use to envy those of you who are in same sex relationships. Then, I realized that the same problems arise for every couple, just with different circumstances. If you want to be romantic, all you have to do is think. First of all remember that if you’re in one of these relationships, a good gift is not an item of clothing that you would wear, just in their size. An even worse gift is an item of clothing they might like, but in your size. I can’t give too much advice on this particular situation, because I’ve never been in a same sex relationship. Most of my relationships are of the no sex variety. Also known as the “I like you, but not in that way” type or as I call it the “You’re ugly enough to be my brother, but I’ll still let you buy me stuff” relationship.
Sometimes you have to plan ahead. When she says to you, “This year, let’s not buy each other gifts”, this is an open invitation to mayhem. There is a very good chance that this is a trap! Go out and buy a gift, just in case. There is a sixty eight percent chance that she will buy you a present, because she was just “thinking of you” and if you don’t have one to return the thought, it could get ugly. If she doesn’t buy you a gift, then you have one ready for the next time you screw up. I’m sure that occasion is right around the corner. Advice for the ladies on this: for the love of all that is holy, stop “thinking of us” when you’re anywhere near a kiosk that will put your face on a beer mug. The last thing either of you want is for a guy to associate your face with the liquid that makes him stupid and horny at the same time.
The art of gift giving is something that very few have mastered. What is romantic? A homemade gift? Sure, if it’s done well. There is a fine line between “thoughtful handmade gift” and “stuff you found around the house that you glued to a coffee cup”. Homemade lingerie is not an option. No lady will be excited that you cut nipple holes out of her favorite bra or took her underwear and attempted to thongify them using shoe laces and scissors. Dinner is a great homemade gift, but know that no matter how much effort you put into making it, spaghetti with sliced hot dogs will not make the grade. Advice for the ladies on this: our favorite homemade gift is sandwiched somewhere between a freshly shoveled driveway and a choreographed strip tease to Motley Crüe’s Girls, Girls, Girls.
Purchasing the perfect romantic present can be just as difficult. Here are some no no’s. Condoms are not romantic, even if they are “ribbed for HER pleasure”. Candy and flowers are the standard, but when bought at the local convenience store after you fill up your tank, the gas smell makes them slightly less desirable. Lingerie can be a great gift, but be sure to get the proper size. Too big equals “You think I’m that fat?!”, too small equals, “Is this the size of girl that you really want?!”. If you want to do the popular rose petals on the bed, get yourself a hotel room. While, it’s beautiful in the moment, somebody has to vacuum this all up the next day and no woman thinks housework is a great gift. Gift cards and cash are never a good idea, unless you’re really looking forward to a comfortable night on the couch and hearing about it every time you get into an argument for the rest of your life. Advice for the ladies on this: we men are simple. Beer, meat, tools and porn are the pavement on our road to romance.
In closing, you will avoid the need for apologies, poorly thought out excuses and possibly a shot to the groin if you just think a little. For just one day, you can take a shot at being thoughtful or at least pretend. If she can make the effort to fake an orgasm all year round, then you can fake romance for one day.
About: Ted Snyder
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