The Dating Game
As a single guy, I find myself going on dates now and again and it’s very difficult. I don’t mean that it is difficult finding a good match, which it is, I mean it’s tough just to get to and get through the awkward showdown of personalities and lies that constitute a first date. Just think of all the things you have to do to meet a stranger and attempt to impress them. That’s a lot if you’re a guy and if you are a girl, then double it.
The preliminary stage of this dating thing is mustering up the courage to just ask out that special someone. This is the only part of the process with which the female of our species has a decided advantage. Generally, it is up to us men to approach the woman and ask(beg) for three hours of time where you both can be alone together and pretend to be someone you’re not. Sometimes, on rare occasions, the tables are turned and the woman will request the date. When we are going to ask out a girl, the collective thought in our mind is, “Hopefully, I can look either cool or pitiful enough to get her to say yes and then I have to get away as quickly as possible, before she changes her mind.” When one of those rare occasions arises, where she is the one who requests the date, she is thinking, “Well, I guess I’ll give this guy the opportunity to enjoy my company for a little while and after he says yes, I’ll walk away slowly, so he can watch me.” The really hard part, for either gender, is overcoming the fear of rejection. I know when I approach a girl, I’m just hoping I can get out the words before she can get out the pepper spray.
Once that terrifying situation is over, we are now onto a two part process consisting of deciding what to do and when to do it. First, you both have to decide on a time. This is where the other party has the opportunity to back out, by being “busy” during any time you suggest. It’s a nice way of saying, “I said yes, only because you caught me off guard.” The time obviously depends upon the dating activity. A coffee date,(also known as the I don’t want to be alone with you after the sun goes down, date) takes place during the day. It’s a good first date. You can figure out what the other person is about just by their coffee order. If they order it black or something almost as simple, you’re on easy street. If their order consists of more words than the valedictorian speech at your high school graduation, then you are in for some high maintenance. I prefer the dinner and a movie date, which would take place in the evening. You can get food(by the way, the same philosophy applies for food orders as coffee orders) and get to know each other. Then, you have to pick a film and the romantic comedy is usually the choice, because the ladies like laughter and romance and the men hope it will lead to sex. After that comes the movie itself, which allows you several options after getting to know your date. Those options are putting your arm around the other one, cuddling, making out, sitting in silence while you just wait for the date to end and the one that usually happens to me, excusing yourself to go to the bathroom and sprinting out the door while I’m left to wonder if I’ve been ditched or if maybe the Mexican restaurant wasn’t the best choice.
If you last through all of that nonsense, then you’re onto the most tense part of the date, the possible kiss. Do we or don’t we? If you made out during the movie on your first date, then the tension comes when you have to decide whether or not your next move should try saying, “Wanna go back to my place? I have liquor and condoms.” For the rest of us, this is the pinnacle moment when the status of the relationship will be decided(this is where the woman has all of the power). Handshake: I had an ok time, but please don’t call me again. Bent at the waist hug: you’re sweet, but if our crotches touch, I may throw up. Peck on the cheek or lips: I had fun, maybe we should do this again, sometime. Full on kiss on the mouth: I like you and this could lead somewhere great. Make out kiss: I’d invite you in, but I didn’t have time to shave my legs …or anything else. Leaping from the car before it comes to a complete stop and sprinting down the sidewalk with your house keys in hand: I’m glad I lied about my address and I think I’m going to become a lesbian.
If only there was an easier way, but unfortunately, there is not. Without this wonderful custom, how would we find that special someone or at least realize that there are worse things than being alone. I hope everyone out there finds their soulmate. I just hope my soulmate is the girl who makes out in the theater and has the foresight to shave before our date.
About: Ted Snyder
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