Summer: Better Than Others
I must say that I’ve been looking forward to the warm weather since winter started last September. There are so many great things about the summer and of course in Central New York, you have to try to fit them all in before it turns into “I’m not going outside, because the air hurts my face” weather. Where else in the world do you keep your shorts and your winter socks in the same drawer, “just in case”?! Anyway, it’s time for tropical drinks, shorts and the ever fashionable sunglass tan lines.
Everyone wants to make the most of their free time in the summer! Although, if you own a pool, be prepared for your free time to drop off as soon as your pool-less friends and their friends convince you that bringing sliced watermelon and a cooler full of THEIR favorite drinks is an even trade off for clogging your pool filter with unwanted body hair and the occasional turkey sandwich. Pool owners are the most popular people in this area right up until it’s time to clean the damn thing, then all of a sudden we all remember that we need to spend time with our elderly relatives. Although, I prefer that water creates pruny skin rather than the ravages of age, but at least those folks generally hang out in air conditioned, homes pharmacies and hospital rooms. We are happy to keep you company as long as it’s hot outside and are always willing to poolsit for you while you’re at work, whether you know it or not.
Another thing that I want everyone to be mindful of, is your choice of footwear. Now, I’m not a fan of guys in flip flops or sandals, but to each his own. Women can pull off that look, as long as they take good care of their feet or at least wear a revealing top to distract away from what you have going on down there. Here are some simple rules to follow: if you’re a guy, go to the refrigerator, get out your mustard, butter, sliced cheese and lemonade. Put these items on the floor and place your bare feet next to them. If your toenail color matches any of these things, sneakers are the best summer shoe option for you and the rest of us who may accidentally look down. For you ladies, all you have to do is remove your shoes and look down. If they appear like they could swoop down and snatch a chipmunk on the run or steal an unsuspecting fish right out of the water, please keep them under wraps. No amount of nail polish can cover up the fact that you could be used as a foot model for the upcoming remake of Jurassic Park.
The only other issue that kind of bothers me about summer, is the overuse of air conditioning. We spend six to eight months a year holed up in our homes waiting for the opportunity to step outside without the fear of frostbite or possible polar bear attack and then as soon as it gets warm, we shut all of the windows and crank up the air! I prefer the fresh air, as opposed to the recycled chill and extra hefty electric bill that an air conditioner provides. I suppose that if you’re in the manufactured air all day, then it’s tolerable. What I hate is walking into a store where the employees are in long sleeves, due to the inside temperature and I start shivering because I’m dressed for the ninety degree weather. On the plus side, the sweat that that was running down my back before I entered the store has now taken the form of a cold autumn rain, sent my nervous system into shock and I begin to arch my back as I walk around the aisles, appearing to do a poor Mick Jagger impression. The wall of heat that hits me as I open the door to leave will turn that cold sweat warm again and giving me that comforting feel of being urinated on… Open a window and enjoy the fresh air, instead of lighting a candle that smells like fresh cut grass.
With all of that being said, I’m still excited for summer! We had one of the coldest winters on record and I don’t intend to waste a moment of the sunshine and heat. There are drinks to be had, sunburns to be gotten, scantily clad women to ogle and of course watermelon to be sliced. Now, to make friends with the old couple down the road who just finished cleaning their pool. I just hope old lady Patterson doesn’t think she still looks good in a bikini, otherwise their pool filter will be clogged with vomit.
About: Ted Snyder
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