Its a new year and we all know what that means… Time to make an attempt at improving yourself with short term goals, which you have no intention of accomplishing. Personally, I enjoy listening to the New Years resolutions, but I know often times, people set unreasonable expectations for themselves. Therefore, I have compiled a list of helpful resolutions for those who may have set their bar a bit too high.
First are all of you folks who decide to tackle addiction. “I’m quitting smoking” or “No more alcohol” and the like are great ideas, but if it was that easy, we wouldn’t need a whole government division dedicated to Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.(by the way, nobody ever resolves to quit guns) Instead of quitting drinking, pick a time that you won’t drink. Examples: I’m not going to drink on the weekdays or I’m not drinking in the bathroom at work or I’m done drinking during my child’s less than stellar performances in the school plays. Try quitting a certain kind of alcohol. You can quit beer and still drink wine and whiskey. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things to do. Try quitting smoking in certain places. Don’t smoke at the hospital, in any government building or in the car with your asthmatic grandfather. While you can’t smoke in any of these places anyway, it still counts. Our entire society is based on getting away with crap due to technicalities.
Some resolutions are based around behavior or attitude. “I’m going to be more patient with my children” or “I’m going to be more charitable and help others” sound easy, but ….no! Be more patient with your kids? How about resolving to leave your kids at home more. Everyone will benefit from that one. You’ll be more relaxed and the kids will enjoy their freedom. Just put the matches up high and get more homeowners insurance. If I learned anything from my parents, it’s that video games and threats of beatings are better than any babysitter. Plus, all of us behind you in line at the grocery store thank you. It’s great if you want to help people, but let’s face it, if you had that in you, you’d already be doing it. Instead of helping those in need, just resolve to send out positive vibes or create a challenge on Facebook to raise awareness for your cause. That’s perfect, you don’t really have to do anything and the social media whores and reiki freaks will love it. Try setting the goal to “be a better you”, that way, the only judge of whether you reached that goal or not is you. There’s no reason you can’t lie to yourself, unless your resolution is to stop lying. If that’s the case, how will we know if you are lying about not lying or if you’re being honest about lying?
My favorite are the people that are going to lose weight or get into better shape. Getting into shape is tough these days. Everyone is always on the go and quality snack food is available everywhere!(I’ve done the research) since this goal is the hardest to reach, try giving up certain foods. Don’t give up cheese, give up cheese sauce. That way broccoli and cheese sauce is out!(killing two birds, right there). Don’t give up fast food, just give up the drive thru. Walking in to get your food is still exercise. Give up sugar? That’s just crazy, unless you got diabetes for Christmas. Resolve to eat healthier. For me, that means putting a spinach leaf on my plate and eating anything that touches it.
Here’s a list of things I’ve given up this year:
Playing with snakes, drinking light beer, eating anything gluten free, listening to rap music, cock fights, pleasing a woman and making promises I can’t keep.
If I can do it, so can you!
About: Ted Snyder
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