New Gift Ideas!
I am at a constant loss when it comes to buying gifts for any occasion, be it birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries or what have you. A big part of the problem is that I rarely take the time to really get to know people. I like to keep my circle of friends small. Within the next ten years, my circle will just be a dot. Until then, I’ll be using some techniques that I’ve developed over the past year to make gift giving a little easier for everyone.
The first technique is to remember that alcohol is a great option. Wine for the ladies, whiskey or scotch for the distinguished gentleman, beer for the working man and flavored vodka for the rest! Granted there are some situations where alcohol isn’t the best gift. You don’t want to give liquor to the woman who is celebrating the completion of court ordered rehab, it’s not a good Christmas gift for your child’s bus driver (he might crack into it due to thirty screaming kids in his rear view mirror) and it’s definitely not the best option for a teenager’s birthday. I think it’s OK to give it to a kid under 10, as long as you tell them to give it to mommy, because it’s the only reason they were conceived in the first place.
Anniversaries are a great time to cheap out on a gift. Most ladies are suckers for the “thoughtful gift,”rather than the expensive one (MOST ladies). All you have to do is listen and pay attention, which should be considered a gift within itself, especially after you have to hear about the cute shoes she saw at the store or one more story about what the cat did while you were at work. You can find simple gift ideas just by listening and seeing what’s important to her. A homemade gift is a good idea, but it only works if you really put time into it. Macaroni sculptures and construction paper cards stopped being cute when you were an underachieving third grader. Ladies, this is where you have it easy. Anniversaries are where a guy has to get you a gift and you get yourself a pretty dress and some lingerie, so you can look good for him. One hint, ladies: An erection is the gift that keeps on giving.
The work or office parties, where you have to get a gift for a casual acquaintance is always a challenge. Secret Santa, office birthday party, retirement party, going away party, etc. are all just ways to get out of work a little early. A donation to a charity in that person’s name seems like a good idea. I know there’s nothing I enjoy more than someone not buying me a gift and instead donating to a charity in which I have a fleeting interest. You can get out really cheap if you’re creative. If said coworker is involved in a charity that helps starving children, take a picture of you giving a homeless kid a sandwich and put it in a card. If they’re into saving animals, then adopt them a dog and you’ll see how serious they are about that charity when it pees on their memory foam mattress. Don’t get these things confused, though. Don’t adopt a starving child for someone, don’t take a pic of you feeding a homeless dog a sandwich (can you say rabies?) and definitely don’t snap a pic of you feeding a homeless child to a starving dog. The best way out is gift cards. Nothing says, “I don’t really know you, I don’t want to get to know you and I’m just hear for free cake,” like a gift card.
If you follow these simple steps, I guarantee that you won’t have to buy any gifts for anyone within a few years. Granted, you probably won’t get any either, but isn’t the trade off worth it? The amount of money and time you’ll save will be enough to buy yourself the aforementioned gift that keeps on giving.
About: Ted Snyder
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