I’ve Got a Mouse You Can Click!


imageWhat’s worse than being single in a world of couples. Two things: being married and Internet dating. Since, I don’t know much about the first, I think I’ll talk about the second.

Now, as a single guy, I’ve tried many different avenues to meet women. I’ve tried bars, the grocery store, pet store, the female prophylactic aisle in Walmart… I have failed in every one of those places, so I have moved on to the vast dating world of the Internet. What better way to start a relationship than randomly clicking on pics of people just as desperate as you?

I would have to say that there are entirely too many options out there. I’m not sure if only using the free sites says I’m cheap or if it says that I’m not pitiful enough to break out my credit card …yet. Plus if I’m on the computer and my credit card is out, I’ve probably had too much to drink and the infomercial about stain remover has won me over. Either that or I decided to renew my porn membership. I won’t pay for a site, so I can meet a nice girl when I can watch naughty ones for free.

I like the idea of not having to talk to someone to get to know them. The worst thing anyone can do in a relationship is become familiar with each other. That just seems like a lot of work. I hate hearing from a girl that before she has sex, she wants to get to know me better. Trust me, getting to know me is not going to up my chances of having sex. Not that I’m out just for sex, I’m also looking for a girl that will be seen with me in public without introducing me as “their cousin” or saying, “Quick! Behind the dumpster!”, every time they see their friends.

I’ve noticed that there are two kinds of women and two kinds of men on the worldwide dating web. The girls are either bitter or bored. The guys are pervs or creepy pervs. I believe I’m the latter. If you’re going to be a perv, why not go all the way. I’m an overachiever. The bored ladies will start out their profile with the statement, “I’m not good at talking about myself”, then ramble on and on for six paragraphs. The bitter ones are very concerned with telling you how they don’t need a man. I’m not sure why you’re on a dating site if you don’t need a man. My guess is that you can no longer afford to go through that many batteries in a month.

The pervy guys are the ones who message the ladies with, “Hey sexy” or “what are you wearing”. These men are hoping to find a girl with loose morals and low self esteem. They are hard to find, but they’re out there. If it wasn’t for that and alcohol, I’d still be a virgin. The creepy pervs ask what you’re wearing and when the girl answers, they say, “I know”.

Now we have the never ending struggle of the profile picture. The guys who take selfies need to learn a few things. First, shirtless selfies are unpleasant at best. These are the guys who use tanning cream and only look into your eyes so they can see their own reflection. Next, it’s all about the angle. Straight on is the way to go. That’s the best way to hide all of your damning features.(hairline, double chin, beer gut…etc) Trust me, I’m an expert at attempting to hide all of those things. My bad features are less visible to the girls than Anne Frank was to the Nazis.  For the ladies, it’s about the angle, also. Here’s what we know: if your selfie is taken from above, you’re basically telling us that you can only fit into the frame when the pic is taken from the air. If it’s in a full length mirror, for the love of God, stop holding the phone over the crucial parts, like your face or boobs. I’m sure there are other crucial parts, but at the moment, they are escaping me. The best pics taken of women are usually selfies. The best pics of men are taken by anyone but themselves. If you don’t have a picture of yourself on your profile, everyone assumes that you are too hideous for even Internet dating. Always use a current picture. There’s nothing more disappointing than being ten years older in person than you are in your photograph. You can’t blame wrinkles, an extra ten pounds and baldness on bad lighting.

If you’re looking for love, I say give the old Internet a try. What’s the worst that could happen? You could meet the love of your life or wake up naked at the bus station with no recollection of the previous six hours. Hey, either way you should be happy. Any date that ends in nudity can’t be all bad.

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About: Ted Snyder

I'm just a guy who loves the simple things in life. I play bass, love craft beer and enjoy all things horror. I spend my time walking or hiking with my dog, going out to restaurants, bars and to see local bands . I stay up late and get up early. My idea of a great time is sitting on the shore of any body of water and having a beer.

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