I’m My Favorite Companion!
A few months back, I wrote a blog about vacationing in New York State. As I sit here right now, I realize that I’ve whittled away my summer without doing much of anything. I live in a centralized location of New York vacation spots and have failed to take advantage of my surroundings! I attempted a group trip to the Finger Lakes, but sadly, it fell flat and ended up being cut short. This has made me realize, a true vacation should be taken with the person or people you enjoy being around most. That person is myself!
Now, here’s the conundrum; where can you go on vacation by yourself, without looking, pitiful or even worse, creepy? I was thinking about the Finger Lakes again next year, but that just won’t work. Firstly, wine tasting requires a designated driver. I’m very adept at drinking and riding and I like to stay with my strengths. Secondly, tasting wine alone starts out pitiful as you walk in and stand among groups of drunken hillbillies or couples smart enough to know that alcohol is the key to a happy relationship. After several tastings, this shall quickly turn from pitiful to creepy, as several of the aforementioned tasters see you over and over at different wineries and you begin to hear the whispers of, “Why is that guy alone?”, “Is he following us?” or the ever popular, “He has crazy eyes!” I could try hiking the many trails or even the world famous gorge, but let’s be realistic, if I wanted to exercise, then I’d sit up in the morning rather than corpse-rolling out of bed. I guess I’ll skip this trip for now.
Next, I thought about camping alone. That has its own set of unique problems. First of all, I already live in a cabin, in the woods, which has a roof and a bed. Sleeping in the woods under some vinyl and on the ground would be what I would do if my house burnt down. Not to mention that if you camp, there’s inevitably beer and a campfire. Fire, alcohol, body hair and my ratio of blubber to muscle are an invitation to mayhem. Not to mention that every time I go camping, the people at the campground get all freaked out when I get out my brush clearing machete and protective hockey mask. Safety first.
I’m not much for the whole luxury hotel scene, but that may be an option. I can get room service, raid the minibar and drink(are we sensing a theme here?) in the hot tub, all by myself. That sounds ok, but is a vacation really being holed up in a room with recycled air, overpriced snacks and linens, that if illuminated by a black light, would resemble a Jackson Pollock painting? While that doesn’t sound ideal, it’s definitely a possibility.
A tropical island seemed like a great idea, until I saw Castaway again. Tom Hanks is a wealthy, famous movie star and even he had a terrible time of it. He was lucky enough to find a ball named Wilson. With my luck, all I’d find was a used condom named Magnum, although the 80’s Tom Selleck series, of the same name, did take place in Hawaii, so there are some parallels. Not to mention that to get to said island, I would need to take a boat or a plane and once again, that involves other people.
There’s always the “Staycation” to consider. That’s when you convince yourself that taking off work and just relaxing at home is what you need to decompress. I’m thinking this is just the cheap way out. I live at home, why would I want to vacation there?! I have to mow my own lawn, make my own bed, cook my own meals and clean my own house. A Staycation sounds more like a Homeowners Hard Labor Fantasy Camp, to me. Not to mention, my family, friends and boss know where to find me, if I do that.
After careful consideration, I believe the best vacation to take alone is getting hurt or sick enough to the point you end up being hospitalized. Think about it: it’s a spotless room, you get to stay in bed all day, three meals a day are served to you in bed (unlimited jello), free cable, you get visitors, but they have to leave at a designated time and you get cool jammie’s, with an opening conveniently located in the back(I awkwardly found out the opening was supposed to be in the back, the first time I was in the hospital). Here’s hoping for the onset of Bird Flu or another outbreak of Ebola next July!
About: Ted Snyder
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