Happy Birthday to Me!
Well, I just had another birthday. Did I take that opportunity to take a look back on my life and what I have done with it up to this point? No, instead I decided to live in the present. I rarely think about the past. That’s because, at my age, I can’t even remember what happened during the trip from the refrigerator to my chair. Here is a little advice on how to deal with your next birthday.
I’m always amazed at what you can finagle just by saying, “it’s my birthday”. Now, I’m not one of those guys who tells everyone not to make a big deal of my birthday and then proceeds to alert anyone who will listen, that my birthday is coming up. Those particular people are sad. Birthdays are like erections: don’t announce that you’re having one. The people who care will know and the ones who don’t know, don’t want to… Social media has really helped these people out. If you’re starved for attention, you can just post that you’re celebrating a birthday and tell all of your Facebook friends to come out for the party. Thus ensuring that over half of the party will be people you’ve never met. That’s good, because if you have throw yourself a party, then most of the people who would come are those who haven’t gotten the opportunity to dislike you on a personal level, …yet. Let’s face, it’s a lot easier than sending out all of those invitations by hand. People haven’t dreaded checking their mail that much since before the Unabomber was arrested.
Then there are those people who hate their birthday. You have no reason for this behavior. The only one who should hate it is the woman who had to push your pointy head through parts of her that shouldn’t stretch that much outside of a European Fetish Club.(I’ve never been to Europe, so quit your snickering)These people get upset when you throw them a party, give them a gift or even mention their birthday to the waitress as you’re having dinner. You folks need to relax. If you have friends that like you enough to celebrate your special day, then rejoice and you can find something else to bitch about for a day. You’ve got 364 other days to complain about making it through another year without dying.
I find myself to be in what I believe is the majority. Those people who don’t send up a banner every time their day comes around, but don’t get pissed if people want to help me celebrate. I love my birthday. It means I didn’t die and for that accomplishment, I am rewarded with alcohol and cake! Yes, I’ll take that free drink please and thank you, even if it is in a giant novelty glass and I have to wear a ridiculous hat. Hell, Toby Keith does it all the time and he’s a millionaire! I’ll rejoice if you want to sing to me while strangers stare at me and try to guess exactly how old I am and where my life went wrong that I’m living up my birthday at whatever chain restaurant had the best deal on appetizers. I accept gifts, cards, hugs(from approved body types) and the occasional kiss as long as it doesn’t lead to me getting beaten up by a jealous boyfriend who doesn’t want me to make it to next years celebration. My birthday is close enough to Christmas that I sometimes get the Christmas/birthday gift combo. For the love of Pete, put in a little effort. I’ll even be happy if you give me half my present on Christmas and the other half a few weeks later.(unless it’s a Hooker or a puppy)
I guess what I’m saying is that you’re going to have one of these days every year. It’s not a surprise, so just relax, sit back and enjoy it. Celebration comes in many forms. From wild parties to quiet intimate dinners with a few close friends, to eating grocery store cake in the tub as you try to wash away the stink of failure after another disappointing year.(not that I would know anything about that) The important thing to remember is that at the end of the day, you’re going to get rewarded for doing nothing, but existing and that’s not too bad. Now, where’s my damn cake?!
About: Ted Snyder
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