I’m a morning person and I thoroughly enjoy screwing with those who aren’t. I know it’s probably not the right thing to do, but it sure is fun. No matter what time I go to bed, I’m awake and ready to move by 5:30 a.m., at the latest. As a matter of fact, my band played the other night; it was a hot, humid, long night and I didn’t get to bed until almost 2:00 a.m. I was completely prepared to explain to everyone that I met at 6:00 in the morning, on my daily walk, the reason I got such a late start. Of course, I didn’t see anyone else out at that hour, on a Saturday, except for two rabbits, one deer and what was either a large raccoon or a small Yetti and none of them wanted to chat.
Now, being a morning person there are just some things that I don’t understand. One thing that baffles me are these people that I see at the local coffee shop, who appear confused and completely out of it when they get up to the counter. How do you get out of bed, brush your teeth, get dressed, get in your car and drive to a specific location, all while not being able to cognitively function? It’s rather impressive. I was in line, behind a guy, the other day who kept rubbing his eyes and yawning. He was so tired that he couldn’t even articulate his order. All he did was mumble and sigh. The poor girl behind the counter couldn’t understand a word he was saying. Once he got his order, he stood there looking into his wallet, confused by the process of the exchanging of money for goods and services, so I decided to help him out. I politely said, “Excuse me, but if you give her five dollars, she will give you back eighty cents or if you give me twenty dollars, I’ll knock that big brown spider off your shoulder.” Not only was this thoroughly entertaining for me, but it also woke him up and made our roads safer for another day. You’re welcome, sir.
There are also those people who hate mornings. The angry morning person is always a joy to encounter. These folks are different from those who cannot wake up. Often times these people are wide awake. You can’t be filled with that much hatred and still be sleepy. You may know or be this type of person. It’s the person who when you see them and say, “Good morning”, you get a grunt, if you’re lucky, otherwise, you will get a list of reasons why it is not a good morning. These can stem from the price of gas(which, by the way is the same price all day long), road construction, the neighbors’ barking dog or the ever popular, significant other is really getting under their skin. All of things can occur at any time of day, but with these people seem to only coincide with the rising of the sun. I find the best way to deal with this attitude is to be overly happy or what I call Disneyland happy. Big smiles, laughter, jokes, the occasional dancing of a jig and the always hated, “At least you have your health”, they really hate that.
The last and in my opinion, worst group are those who can’t even get out of bed in the morning, sometimes known as teenagers, but this affliction can also continue into adulthood. Getting out of bed is not a hard skill to master, unless you’re Stephen Hawking or possibly Kirstie Alley. You can’t make plans with this type of person. They can’t make it anywhere on time, they get upset when a restaurant no longer is serving breakfast at 11:30 in the morning, their bedroom is often times closed off from the sun, in a fortress that Nosferatu would envy and when they do manage to roll out of bed, it is rarely morning. This morning hating human counts on others to be responsible for coordinating any morning activities(getting to work, meeting for breakfast, leaving on a road trip, etc.) which basically allows them to be a slug until all they have to do is fall out of bed and show up. It’s much more difficult to mess with this group. The best bet here is to schedule plans for early in the morning, knowing they won’t get up and arrive an hour early, blasting loud music from the car stereo, knocking on every door and window and don’t forget the nonstop calls to every phone in the house. When they make their way to the door, frantically explain to them that you overslept and apologize. This will throw them completely off and they will most likely get moving very quickly to compensate for your screw up. The really fun part is when the realization hits them that they are now exactly on time or God forbid, early! This is often the best way to transfer this person into the angry morning person mentioned above.(See preceding paragraph for details on how to screw with them). …and of course never underestimate the power of having a live rooster at your disposal.
I understand if you work nights or are up late at night for any number of reasons, that you may not be a fan of getting up in the morning, although I rarely get to bed before midnight, myself. I just believe that with our limited time on this planet, we should spend as much of it as we can awake and enjoying every minute of that time. Unfortunately, for some of you, a good portion of my enjoyment comes from bothering those who aforementioned people. Goooooood Morning!
About: Ted Snyder
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