Bucket List, Maybe…
After having a casual conversation with an old friend, the other day, it got me thinking about all of the things I have never done. Not good things or bad, just things that I either never had the opportunity to try or stuff that I opted to let pass me by. Now, I’ve done a lot of both stuff and things, but I suppose I could’ve done more. Maybe I should think about making one of those bucket lists, although I’m pretty lazy, so my bucket would be more of a juice glass.
The first thing I’ve never tried is any illegal drug of any kind. Now, when I tell people this, I get met with disbelief, shock and sometimes (although it’s rare) respect. I have never tried cocaine, meth, heroin, crack or even marijuana. The fact that I used the proper names of those drugs illustrates my ignorance to their familiarity. The use of some of these particular substances seem like a great way to lose weight, but who needs abs that bad? I get the most disbelief from my declaration that I’ve never smoked pot (good use of the slang term right there). I’m sure people look at me and think to themselves, “No one can be that sedentary and snack that much without the assistance of some KGB (I looked that one up). I’m proud that I’ve never touched anything like that. All of my psychological and physical problems have occurred either naturally or from my rather heroic intake of beer and cheese.
I have never tried any of those so called, Extreme Sports. First of all, my idea of a sport entails competition. That’s why hunting would only be a sport if the deer were armed and knew they were playing a game. Skydiving, bungee jumping, hang gliding, rock climbing, white water rafting or cave diving are a few of the extreme activities I can do without. It seems that the competition in these sports would be between me and death. Some of these sports last only a few minutes, while others can take much longer. Ooooooo, a whole minute of danger where I might die from massive injuries or drowning! I can cheat death for hours at a time in true extreme sports. I call those sports, work, bar hopping and eating at any buffet that doesn’t have a time limit. I’ve eaten a double cheeseburger topped with a fried egg, deep fried bacon and gravy, while drinking a beer and reading the dessert menu, so you’ll excuse me if I don’t consider your trip down the river in a rubber raft that extreme. They don’t make a life jacket to save you from heart disease.
There are some experiences that are very attainable, but let’s be realistic, I’m probably not going to achieve any of these things either. I have never gotten married or even engaged (that also fits into the extreme sport category). Never been on a cruise or traveled around the world. I haven’t learned a second language, unless high school Spanish counts and to be honest most of my Spanish language skills are used to order at Taco Bell. I have never backpacked through Europe, because of my aversion to walking long distances and my hatred of werewolves and the French. I’ve never lived abroad or with one, for that matter (insert rimshot here). I’m sure there are many more things that I haven’t done, including two girls at once, but there’s no need to get into that now.
I guess my point is that even though I’ve missed out on certain experiences, I haven’t missed out on life. I could create a bucket list and put some of those things on there, but I like to set achievable goals. My bucket list would read like a grocery list and a beer menu. I have done some cool things. I have swam (or a facsimile thereof) in the ocean, learned an instrument and performed in front of people, walked through the Louisiana Bayou, seen professional sporting events, including the Stanley Cup parade in Boston and even eaten chicken wings so hot that I had to sign a waiver. I live my life with no regrets. I’ll save the regrets for any of my past and future sexual partners.
About: Ted Snyder
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