I was invited to a bachelor party the other night and I was shocked and appalled by what went on there. It was, by far, one of the most boring events that I’ve had the displeasure of attending and that includes the late showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. What has happened to the tradition of drunken debauchery we know so well?
My buddy told me the Jeff’s son was going to be there. Now, I don’t know Jeff, but I thought to myself, “Cool. A little youth will bring the energy of the party up a few notches.” Well, I was right. There’s nothing that gets a party going like chasing around a three year old who had cupcakes for dinner. I had no idea that this so called, bachelor party, was going to be an episode of Sesame Street. This event has been brought to you by the letters W, T and F. Apparently, this is a new trend, family friendly bachelor parties. When I heard there was going to be a Bouncy House, I thought it was some sort of hip term for strippers who jump up and down. I was way off.
My next disappointment was when I asked the ill fated question, “Where’s the beer?” I was greeted with uncomfortable silence and grimaces of both shame and fear. There was no beer at this party. As a matter of fact, there was no alcohol at all! Seriously? A bachelor party without alcohol is like, well…….. Well, it’s like any other party without alcohol. Alcohol is what fuels a party, otherwise it stalls and you end up on the side of the road, waiting for someone to show up with a five gallon can of margaritas. I drink to make other people interesting. The only reason I ever went to church was for the possibility of wine. I remember the first time the priest handed me the challis and said this is the blood of Christ. I took a sip and said, “Damn, Christ must’ve been drunk all of the time. His BAC is off the charts!” I’m not allowed back in church , anymore. Nothing gets a party going like diet soda and pretzels. At least the kids can get all caffeinated and jump around in the bouncy house. Imagine the carnage.
No whiskey means no cigars. We wouldn’t want to endanger our lives with the sweet taste of a fine cigar. Just as a reference, everyone’s lives were in danger as soon as they said the party was alcohol free. I’m guessing that they figured if I had a lit cigar, the life of the bouncy house would be cut dangerously short. Good assumption. Screaming kids inside a slowly collapsing house of rubber will liven up any party.
I guess this type of bachelor party has the same effect that a traditional one does. The traditional one involves hot, naked women, cigars and tons of drinking. These are all things you’ll miss out on once you get married(unless you married a teenage Lindsay Lohan). It will make you rethink getting hitched for at least a little while. I guess screaming kids, healthy snacks and putting a dollar in the Swear Jar every time you say a “naughty word” will make you rethink marriage, as well. By the way, that jar was overflowing. I think I put the bachelor’s future kids through college. This new type of party is done out of respect for the future bride. The soon to be groom will come home smelling like frosting and bouncy house related vomit. I just hope the bride doesn’t come home from her party smelling like rum, man sweat and cocoa butter.
About: Ted Snyder
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