Attention Shoppers!


imageToday, I’d like to talk about shopping. As a single kidless human, my shopping can obviously be done any time I want, unless there’s an emergency like a broken television or I’m out of beer. Groceries, clothes, appliances, vehicles, furniture, etc. are all things that I’ve had to shop for in the past few months and I now understand the pioneers and their system of barbering for goods and services. They didn’t create that system due to lack of spendable capital, they just didn’t want to stand in the Walmart line behind the guy who can’t figure out how to use his debit card or the lady who is positive that she has the exact change rattling around in the bottom of a purse that may also contain the body of Jimmy Hoffa and the Loch Ness Monster.

Grocery shopping is easy for me, because I’m single. When I enter the store, I have a list and I move quickly and in straight lines. The single guy shopping consists of the same pattern every time. Produce, meat, bread, frozen food, paper towels, toilet paper, milk and beer. We only deviate from this pattern when there are sales or free samples available.(I’ve been known to make an entire meal out of the free samples simply with the use of different hats, sunglasses and the occasional, “can I grab one of these for my grandmother? Her wheelchair got stuck in the automatic door and she can’t get back in the store.”) If you have kids, your grocery shopping route looks much like that of a gazelle trying to out run a tiger. I cannot intelligently speak about what a parent might buy, but I would suggest less sugar and more Benadryl.

Recently, I had to go shopping for a gift for my four year old niece. I know very little about children and what they like, so I had to ask her mother. I was advised that the Disney Store is the place to go. I was met with a reaction that could be best described as a mix of shock and derision. Of course, having no children and looking like I do, if I’m seen lurking in the aisles of that store alone, at the very least, I’ll be put on some sort of watch list, so I decided to skip that place. I did manage to find something cool for my niece, but I had to make two trips to the same department store in the same day. I don’t think it would bode well for me to buy toys, beer, horror movies and duct tape all at the same time.

I have also decided that going to one of those warehouse stores is not a workable option. That may work for a large family, but how does one man justify buying ten pounds of hamburger and an entire gallon of shampoo? With my current hair situation, a travel size shampoo should last about a year. Plus, I was asked not to come back after I told the elderly couple, buying 12 rolls of paper towels and sixteen bars of soap, that they were being very optimistic about how much time they have left. They do have some great deals, but I don’t need to feed the population of Ethiopia out of one giant box of corn flakes.

I’ve decided to stick with the big department stores. I can buy food, clothes, furniture, tools and anything else I might need all in the same place and jam it all in the same cart! Plus, they now have the self checkout lanes. I can scan my own items and bag them myself. That means I can eliminate idle chit chat and the frustration of the clerk giving me twelve different bags for nine different items. These are better for families, as well. You can send your kids all over the store, to different sections and finally get a little peace. I wish all of you the best of luck on your shopping adventures in the future and remember that ten items or less means exactly that!

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About: Ted Snyder

I'm just a guy who loves the simple things in life. I play bass, love craft beer and enjoy all things horror. I spend my time walking or hiking with my dog, going out to restaurants, bars and to see local bands . I stay up late and get up early. My idea of a great time is sitting on the shore of any body of water and having a beer.

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