ASK REBECCAH: How to deal with the ‘white lies’
Local life coach Rebeccah Silence answers your relationship, career and life questions each month. If you have a question, please email email@example.com
QUESTION: I’ve been catching my girlfriend in several little white lies since we starting dating a year ago. The first time, I told her I would break up with her if she didn’t stop. I recently caught her in another small lie, and I am heartbroken. We recently bought a house together, and I purchased a ring and plan to propose. I want to spend my life with her. The lying is an issue, but we are both committed to this relationship and want to make it work forever. What can I do to make this work for both of us?
ANSWER: You are responsible for your 50 percent of your relationship, not the entire relationship or the other person’s half of the relationship.
When you “catch” someone in a lie, understand lying means the person has self-worth issues and is most likely carrying shame so deep they don’t want you to know the truth. They might think that truth would change your mind about them. Lying is a coping skill.
My hot tips:
Ask for what you want.
Look for areas where you CAN trust your partner and build on that.
Don’t do step overs.
Make sure you let her know what you would need to feel like you could trust her in the areas that you are concerned that she is lying.
Are you sure that she is lying or are you making assumptions?
Are you sure you are committed to the same things?
The relationship is fairly young, so you are in the building of a foundation phase. I love that you are not throwing in the towel, and I hope you are willing to look at reality. This means accepting your partner as is, without needing her to change. I suggest hiring a coach or therapist to support both of you in creating a foundation for your relationship that will support both of your dreams and last through your pasts and insecurities.
Above all else, become someone who can trust yourself to know what is best regardless of how your partner shows up.
About Rebeccah: Rebeccah Silence is a certified life coach and music therapist with a master’s degree in counseling and extensive background in addiction recovery, school counseling and adult psychotherapy. As owner of Inspired Results, she provides trainings, facilitation and coaching all over the country, but runs her private practice out of Whitesboro. She is locally known as the relationship guru doling out free expert coaching every Tuesday morning on KISS-FM for Confession Tuesdays. Silence specializes in corporate trainings, couples counseling and one-on-one life coaching. Have a question for Rebeccah? Email her for Ask Rebeccah at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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